Simply Complicated

after five million years...

2006-07-17T09:05:00.000+08:00

I'm finally updating. *applause*

It's been busy busy week. Radio tour last Tuesday. Dukha mode last Wednesday so that we could pack for Thursday's TV tour. Then Friday, I was finally pretty because I went out with Paula and a friend of ours from college. Crazy me drove in my nice metallic wedge sandals, and my left leg suffered cramps on the way home. Gritted my teeth through the whole thing. It's so strange because I'm driving an automatic, so the left wasn't even doing anything. I swear, I'm turning into my mother. :( Pray that I don't, coz then that means I'll cramp up almost everytime I drive. Ayaw!!!

Anyhoo, my boss is on leave for a month. Lucky bitch. I'm getting a bit scared because I won't have anyone to bug for the first time since I've been here. I have to be more on my toes now, not that I haven't been, but even more so than before. Forgive me, I got up at 4am so my thought process isn't so coherent yet.

I had two coffees. In a row. And I'm not so hyper yet. Bleargh.

I'm gonna be feeling-artist today. Hurray for Adobe Photoshop on Windows 98. How loser can I be?

My sister's voice is still ringing in my head, as she dramatically says to my brother, "Are you trying to ruin my life?!" Ah, to be high school and so emo...

I'm bored. And sleepy. And lazy. Rarr.

after my first kikay event

2006-06-29T17:55:00.000+08:00

Had my baptism of fire, which consisted of running around the whole night in heels, chasing after press people. Had a tough time making my post-event press release coz I didn't really notice the socialites. It was like I had blinders on and all I could see were TV crews and cameras.

Of course, in pictures, I realized that we had a star-studded event. Highlight of the night was when I asked John Lloyd if he was willing to be interviewed and he goes, "Sorry ha [squeezes my arm while talking] ang dami ko na kasing tinanggihan na interview eh." And inside I was like, "Tangina, di na ko maliligo!!!" and all I could say was, "That's okay." Hahaha, shet ang jologs ko!!!

-=-=-=-

Anyhoo, I've been totally harassed at the office this whole week. Was on the verge of reaching my burnout point last night [complete with the drama of tears streaming down my face while leaning against the car window], when God intervened and kept me in touch with a friend. I had almost forgotten the feeling --that wonderful high-- when you're starting to build a friendship, opening yourself up to someone and realizing that he is getting to know you for the first time. Much better, he's been elevated from Acquaintance status to someone I can really start to call a friend. It's such a great feeling to start a new friendship, to make kulit new people and make hirits na bumebenta for the first time.

Makes me realize that it's true: different people serve different purposes in your life. Sometimes I feel like I adapt according to who I'm with. Like with some people, I can talk about books and coffee and all things literary. With others, I can be kikay and talk about fashion and how to make myself over. And now, recently, I've someone who appreciates my Marvel knowledge (oo na, medyo rusty na siya, pero at least may alam pa rin ako kahit papaano). Last night was an animated conversation about Spiderman 3 and the Transformers movie. I feel like a boy, but in a good way. :) New personality added to my database. :)

Even if I slept late, I fell asleep with a smile on my face, and I woke up feeling... well, rejuvenated might be an exaggeration, but I guess you could say that. Bumalik ang pagkakulit, especially when we resumed our conversation via YM today. :)

Hindi naman niya mababasa 'to, pero thank you talaga. :)

-=-=-=-

Hindi pa ako bumibili ng major purchase of the month. And I want to upgrade my phone na. Rarr.

the universe gives a sign

2006-06-22T20:34:00.000+08:00

Nicked off my cousin's blog again:

1. Don't date because you are desperate.

2. Don't marry because you are miserable.

3. Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.

4. Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

5. Don't associate with people you can't trust.

6. Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.

7. Don't dictate because you are stronger.

8. Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.

9. Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

10. Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.

11. Don't stagnate. Don't regress.

12. Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.

13. Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Ms Right.

14. Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

15. Learn a new skill. Find a new friend. Start a new career. Sometimes, there is no race to be won. Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

16. To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.

17. To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.

18. To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy. Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

19. To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.

20. Simplify your life. Take away the clutter. Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.

21. Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

22. Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.

23. Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you are not ready. Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

24. Go on that trip. Don't postpone it. Say those words. Don't let the moment pass. Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

25. Write poetry. Love deeply. Walk barefoot. Dance with wild abandon. Cry at the movies.

26. Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.

27. You light up your life.

28. It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets more challenging.

29. Don't give up. Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love. Pursue your passions.

30. Live your dreams. Don't lose faith in God.

31. Don't grow old. Just grow YOU.

a random thought

2006-06-21T12:37:00.000+08:00

I was on my way to work and as is the usual route, I passed by Riverbanks in Marikina. They're constructing a flyover that I really hope will finish soon because it looks cool (wow, what a reason!) and I just suddenly wondered about the people who work all day under that heat. I wondered if any of them actually get a heat stroke, and how it might feel to be laboring under the sun all day with the dust swirling around you and the cars whizzing by.

Then I spied a pedicab driver with a bimpo over his head and he was pedalling his pedicab by the side of the street. I saw how dark his legs already were, so dark I couldn't call them tan. It spoke of the days he spent pedalling his pedicab in the heat of the sun. His skin was almost roasted. The color of chicken barbeque that's been oven-baked to crispness.

And that's when I realized: no wonder being fair-skinned is always equated to being rich and well-off. Because if you had to stand and work under the sun all day, then you wouldn't be so fair, right? Typical hindi naaarawan type because you're in an air-conditioned office all day and you go home to a similarly cool home afterwards.

Maybe that's why people are so big on skin whitening products. Because it's a way of deluding themselves out of the reality that is their poverty. But don't they realize that no matter how much Ponds Whitening Cream they lather on, and no matter how many times they wash their faces and bodies with Likas Papaya Soap, it's not going to work if they have to return to laboring under the heat of the sun everyday?

So then what's the point of it all? The fair-skinned ones only end up being fairer than ever (because, after all, they're the ones that can afford to buy Ponds on a regular basis and these whitening products only work with regular use), while those who are dying to be want can only look on in envy and dream of a day when they didn't have to work in the sun and maybe they would become whiter too.

Sabi ko nga random thought e. :O

kiddie politics

2006-03-28T14:49:00.000+08:00

I was watching Pinoy Big Brother last night, and the episode had little kids taking care of the housemates. The sight of the bulilits made me remember the little snippet of Going Bulilit that I saw last Sunday. It was a segment where they were spoofing Korina Sanchez' Rated K. So obviously, there was a little Korina. Little Korina's guest was a Little PGMA, complete with the mole. In fairness to the Little PGMA, it was a fairly good PGMA impersonation. Now here's the thing. Little PGMA was accompanied by two little military officers who stood behind her chair. Little PGMA says, "Alam ko ang lahat ng ginagawa ng militar. They are on my side." And while she's saying this little speech about knowing what's going on in the military, the Little Soldiers are making faces behind her back, causing Little Korina to laugh her head off. And everytime Little PGMA turns her head, the Little Soldiers behave. And that's basically the gist of the segment: Little PGMA insisting that she knows what's going on with the military, while the Little Soldiers make funny faces behind her back and make Little Korina laugh.

It was quite disturbing because I realized that politics are invading even the kiddie shows. It made me wonder if these kids were even aware of the implications --or even just the meaning-- of their little skit. It was such a simple kiddie skit --after all, making faces is still a very kiddie thing to do, and making faces behind someone's back is something kids really do in real life-- but the meaning behind it, the fact that PGMA doesn't really know what the military is doing behind her back... that was so un-kiddie. I'm not sure if the scriptwriters should be faulted or something. I really wonder if the kids understood it. I wonder if Malacanang would call the show seditious, considering that the ones performing the skit were little kids who, presumably, do not know any better.

Anyway, I was just really disturbed by it. Really, shouldn't the children be spared from the politics instead of using them as instruments to further the opposition or administration's agenda?

randomness

2006-03-27T12:21:00.000+08:00

A poem I received through email. It's been circulating for a really long time, but I still like it. :)

SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

-----

I was watching One Tree Hill yesterday. I already have a really long entry in my personal journal (as in the handwritten one), so I'll spare you the litany. Basically, I realized a healthy way to look at love. Love is a gift. For me, the proper way to receive a gift is to just be thankful that someone remembered you and valued you enough to give you a gift. Social norms just pose the problem of "Should I give a gift back? Why is this person giving me a gift? What does he want out of it? What am I expected to do and say?" But really, it shouldn't be like that. You should just graciously accept a gift for what it is, and give a gift in return only if it really does come from the bottom of your heart. Same with love, diba? If someone loves you, be thankful. Don't think of why the person loves you, or are you obligated to love him back or whatever. And vice versa: you can always love someone, but don't expect him to return that love. Hindi naman exchange gift ang buhay diba? Sometimes the gift isn't really something you expected --i.e. love comes in a form you don't expect-- but will you really focus on that, or on the mere fact that the gift was given? Alam mo yun, buti nga niregaluhan ka pa e! So yun. Yun lang. That's my new philosophy on love. It's such a wonderful feeling. I mean, if I were to die tomorrow, I would like to die knowing that I was loved and that I loved in return, rather than knowing that all these social norms kept me from telling people just how much I loved them. So yuh. Love is a gift that should be shared and expressed. :D

-----

Off to eat lunch now. I'll most likely be back. :)

just a thought

2006-03-26T09:37:00.000+08:00

I was reading the paper this morning and I saw a familiar face. She used to be a Povedan and Atenean (you get what I mean), one batch lower. She was the receipient of some makeover thingy, and for some reason I remember seeing her Friendster some months ago. It said that she had broken up with her special someone of four years. (The chismis you can get from Friendster...!)

That just kinda got me to thinking. (And you see how these thoughts are literally just jumping into my head. Snap! Here's one thought! Snap! Here's another thought!) Somewhere along the line, in four years (if I were to put myself in her place), you lose a part of yourself without quite realizing it. But the most tell-tale sign (if only you would really listen) is when you and your special someone become a package deal. You know, when you can't enter a room without someone asking, "O, nasaan na si ___? Bakit hindi mo kasama?" It should give you the feeling na, "Um... so that means that I can't enter a room all by myself? I can't attend parties by my lonesome? Dapat ba lagi kaming magkasama and kung hindi kami magkasama, may mali?"

I guess if your relationship lasts long and yet you can enter a room or attend a party or hang out with people without them wondering where your special someone is and why you're not with him (damn that's a long phrase!), then it's still healthy. It means you haven't lost your identity and your individuality, because people recognize that even by your lonesome, you are complete. Your special someone is just that: a Special Someone that you're blessed to have in your life. A blessing. Not an obligation, or a possession, or a necessity. A blessing that you're thankful to have, but you're truly aware that God may just choose to take the blessing away as well.

So yun lang. Just a thought. New warning signs in effect: "Nasaan na si ___?" equals WARNING! WARNING! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Hahaha. Just kidding. But really. Does that make sense? Does it make more sense for me to have been referring to the opposite sex as a Special Someone rather than an Other Half? I think so. Because in the first place, you shouldn't BE just another half of someone. You shouldn't need a half to be complete, because you should be complete by yourself. Dapat, Two Become One! SING IT WITH ME, SPICE GIRLS!!! :D

Of course, that is much easier said than done, and you kinda only get to realize this in retrospect...

A Prayer for Owen Meany

2006-03-22T11:33:00.000+08:00

I've finally finished reading John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany. I read the book so slowly (gasp!), but it was worth it. It's made me realize a lot of things, especially about the act of reading itself.

For one, I should stop skipping the details. Owen Meany has taught me that if you skip the details, there are certain things in the story you miss out on. Truly artful authors use the details for reasons more than just mere description. There is so much wit and humor in the details, if only we're patient enough to read through them.

But mainly it was the theme that struck me most: everything has a purpose; nothing is coincidence. Of course, the novel requires that we believe in God's hand in all things, and it borders dangerously on a blind faith in predestination and fate. BUT, I think that there is a Higher Power that operates in the universe, so I think that Owen Meany simply says that we should remember that we are part of this universe and not above it, so we are in this intricate system of life. We were put here for a reason, and that Higher Power probably knows the best way in which we can function in this greater scheme of things. All that is moving away from the Catholic teaching, but doesn't it say the same thing in essence?

Does it negate the fact that we have free will? Not really. But sometimes, because of our human pigheadedness (how ironic for humans to think like pigs), we veer away from what we're really meant to do. But because the universe conspires to lead us to wherever we're really meant to be, we have simply taken a long and circuitous route to get to our original destination, whether we know it or not. No wonder we are always weary from a journey, and no wonder we feel a great sense of relief as we "come home". It's funny because if only we had become attuned to the universe and what it was telling us --or in a Catholic perspective, if only we were more attuned to God's will for us-- then we could've saved ourselves that long and winding journey, not to mention that heartache that comes with it.

Of course, God likes to throw curveballs, dealing us hands we never saw coming. I like to think that God likes to keep us confused so that we keep coming back to Him for answers. Which is all fine with me, to acknowledge that we know nothing, because even Socrates has said that the wisest man is he who knows that he does not know. So it's not really a God-thing, but more of an acknowledgement of the limitations of human knowledge. Because it is so limited, we are in constant search for something higher, someone that has all the answers. Maybe it's like Plato's dual world, where we are always in constant search for the perfect world since we live in a world of shadows that cannot begin to compare to such perfection.

So... it is comforting to believe that we are all meant for something. That we all have a purpose that may simply be unknown to us now. We just have to have faith. And faith is not an easy thing to have, especially when reason tells you that faith is unreasonable and illogical. It is so much easier to listen to logic and reason, but get this: even reason and logic can be used to defend faith. I think it was Marcel who did that. I'm not sure. But if you look at even your body and think of how you are really made up of a gazillion cells that all somehow know what to do to keep you alive... isn't that such a miracle that you can't just ascribe to reason? Isn't it more logical to believe that some Higher Power has the blueprint that keeps us breathing, that makes sure we have just the right number of the right kinds of cells, that makes I have enough facility and thought to keep typing this entry?

The only problem really is that faith is a difficult thing to have and sustain. That's why it needs constant practice. Or in my case, a constant pep talk that goes, "You were meant for something. You were created for a reason. Just be patient, live life, and try to listen to the Universe a little bit more. The signs are there. It's just up to you to read them."

I swear, I think this book just sparked up my mind again. Currently reading two books now: Nikos Kazantzakis' The Last Temptation of Christ and Malcolm Gladwell's Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. The latter is proving to be a very interesting read. More on these two books when I've finished them.

poetry revised

2006-03-11T21:59:00.000+08:00

In the light of my waking thoughts
a montage of the most trivial concerns
play out before you
and you must watch
for I have trapped you
in a box that stays hidden
in the secret folds of my memory.
It is only in the darkness of my slumber
that it is safe for me to
set you free
and think of the things
we cannot think of doing
and do the things
which we must not be thinking.
I awaken with the thought
that tonight I will be
dreaming again.

a poem at an inopportune time

2006-03-06T11:43:00.000+08:00

A thread weaves
the tapestry of your dreams
a complex pattern
of desires and fears
symbols and meanings
all shrouded in an air
of mystery.

If the dream stays
with you when you wake
and the cloak of mystery
lifts to reveal
such a naked truth,

Believe it
for God speaks
sometimes in our
dreams.

randomness

2006-03-02T10:48:00.000+08:00

Another image today: two Metroaide ladies were standing on the curb, and beside them was a little girl, maybe three or four years old. They were sweeping the dead leaves, and she was helping out by picking a dead leaf off the grass then placing it on the pile. She looked so happy to be "helping out". I wish I had a camera and that I could actually take good pictures.

It's hard to have pictures in your head but no skills to transform those pictures into something more tangible.

-=-=-=-

Watched PBB and AI5 last night. After the longest time, Rustom Padilla finally admits he's gay. On national television, no less. While it may be a gimmick in the sense that he's up for eviction on Saturday, I don't think anyone can fake all that emotion and confusion and all that. I think everything about it was genuine, save for the timing with which he said it. So... there. No opinions.

I really hope that Brenna girl gets booted out on Friday. My bet is that Heather Cox and Brenna will be leaving on Friday. Can't way for guys night tonight. Ace, oh Ace, why must you be so hot? *drool*

-=-=-=-

Heard Mass last night at Greenbelt, 7pm. Gawd, daming tao!!! Juno and I were lucky enough to get seats inside because as the Mass started, the rain came pouring. And I could see people standing outside with umbrellas. Anyhoo, hearing Mass on Ash Wednesday was a reminder of sorts. I know that we hear that every year, how we rose from ashes and to ashes we shall return.

But I don't know, it just got me to thinking somehow. Not about my own mortality, but about something much closer to home. Who was I before I started assuming all these roles in life? I have a tendency to adapt to people so well, that I don't even know what kind of music I really enjoy, what kind of books I really like to read, and what kind of life I want for myself. I've somehow spent my life building around what other people expect of me, what other people want for me, or what other people want for themselves (and I adapt to that so that I can be accepted). So I think this Lenten season, that's my mission. To figure out what it is I really want, in all selfishness. And I pray for the strength to be able to say, "Eh kung sa yun ang gusto ko e! Bakit ba?!" instead of bending yet again. And the whole God-angle is that so I can better appreciate the uniqueness with which He made me.

-=-=-=-

It's another sleepy day. I have work to do (gasp! a miracle!), but I'm still tamad to do it. Rarr.

images of the day

2006-03-01T12:00:00.000+08:00

Today I wished I had a camera. A really good one. And the kind that you can just whip out to capture images as you coast along in your car. (I think this is also the effect of being a passenger-in-daylight once a week, since Wednesday is my non-driving day.)

What did I see today?

1. A man carrying this whole string of toys using a contraption I usually see in taho vendors. You know that long bar that they carry on their shoulders, and usually that bar is weighted down by two containers for making taho? Well this bar had all sorts of toys hanging from it. Plastic balls, yoyos, string puppets, and other little things you could probably buy for 10 pesos. Seeing this, I had visions of little kids mobbing the Toy Vendor, considering his arrival the highlight of their day.

2. A little girl and little boy crossing the street together. They were both wearing school uniforms, and the touching thing was the boy was on the danger side of the road. My driver stopped to let them pass, and as they crossed the street, they were both giggling. I could imagine the girl saying, "Sabi ko sa yo, padadaanin niya tayo e!", then she looked annoyed because the boy must have said something back. Sudden flash into the future made me wonder if those two kids would end up together, and would they look back to the days when they were young and they used to cross the street together, with him shielding her from harm's way.

These two are what I remember most vividly, but I know that a lot of other images gave me all these visions on the way to work today. This is the rare moment that my words don't suffice, and I wish I had the pictures to back these up.

updating for the nth time

2006-02-28T15:11:00.000+08:00

You must forgive me, I have absolutely no work to do in the office. So since I can't jobhunt because there are people around, I must resort to blogging so that I look busy.

Anyway, I was reading yesterday's paper this morning (yes, I read a day late), and I came across this article in the Business section (gasp!). It's by Rod Nepomuceno of the Philippine Star. And basically, this is the part that I wanted to take away from the article. In verbatim:

Don't always define yourself according to the circumstances, persons, and things around you, or according to the events that happen to you. What defines you is what you are: your unique size, shape, and color that no one else has. You're not defined by your lover, your family, your job, your successes, and your failures. You are defined by how you live your life and your attitude towards everything that life throws your way. If you allow yourself to be defined by extraneous circumstances, you're going about life the wrong way.

This definition of yourself starts from within.

--taken from What defines you? by Rod Nepomuceno, Philippine Star, 27 Feb 06

meet my evil alter ego

2006-02-28T13:13:00.000+08:00

Friends, I have hereby named my Evil Alter Ego. She henceforth to be known as...
YLWA
Female. Scandinavian for "she-wolf".

*applause*

Incidentally, I've discovered that according to this website, my name is of Teutonic origin. And where, pray tell, is Teuton? Oh well, Scandinavia is close enough. In those parts, the closest thing to my name is "Inge", which means island. Guhreat.

sana huwag humantong sa ganito

2006-02-28T12:48:00.000+08:00

But the signs are already there...

THROUGH WITH YOU by Maroon 5

Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause everytime you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think that you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you, oh
Cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two, do you?

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache, heartache, I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache, heartache, I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through,
Called to let you know I'm through,
I called to let you know I'm through with you

I ain't ever coming back to you

when schizo gives a pep talk to self

2006-02-28T11:06:00.000+08:00

THE FOLLOWING IS A PEP TALK GIVEN BY INGRID (the sane one) TO... I need a name for the Evil Alter-Ego.

I know you're starting to believe in the New Moon and how it wreaks havoc on your mood, because that's the reason your mom used to give you for her own mood swings. But let me remind you of the things you've learned so far:

1. Sometimes silence is the best reply.
2. You don't need to have an answer to everything.
3. You don't owe anyone any explanations as to who you are, why you feel the way you do, and why you do the things you do.
4. Not everything needs a solution.
5. Sometimes you just have to dive into things and let the flow carry you. Let the universe work around you.

You've learned all these things these past few months, and I've been talking to you everyday. I've been reminding you everyday. Everytime you feel like saying something you know will just be hurtful, I tell you that you don't have to retaliate for the sake of doing so. Everytime someone says something contrary to your opinion, I tell you that if it's not worth the argument, just keep quiet and let people say their piece. Whenever you feel like saying something mean or lashing out at people, I tell you to just keep quiet and let the feeling pass.

You've been a good girl for most of the time, and I see how you've been trying everyday to heed my advice. You've started writing more, venting more, allowing yourself to feel things then vent them out on paper. You're sick of sounding like a broken record to other people, so you let it all out in your writing, whether it's in your journal or through your poetry. And that's a good thing.

But I think that sometimes you get tired of trying, tired of having faith in Him, tired of always heeding my advice. And so you shut me out, and you revert to your old ways. It's so much easier to go back to who you were, than it is to keep striving to who you want to be. And so you lash out. You say hurtful things. You become cynical. Basically, you forget everything that you learned and everything that I told you.

Well, here I am again, patting you on the shoulder, telling you to get over it. You've had your fun. Now it's time to start trying again, to start having faith again, and start remembering the things you've learned so far. You've been doing so well with taking things one day at a time, being content with whatever He gives you, and not wavering when He throws challenges your way. Don't throw away everything you've learned. Be strong, and have faith.

I'm not telling you to go back into the darkness you came from. I kinda like being schizo, having someone else to talk to. But we really have to rein in those horns. Really. They're starting to hurt other people, and I know that's the last thing you want to do.

So be a good girl and start listening to me again. Breathe in, and out. It's a new day. Smile.

born out of boredom

2006-02-27T17:14:00.000+08:00

when the sands
slip between your fingers
every precious grain
falls to the ground
never to be found

and you fall to your knees
to pick up the pieces
but the sands number the stars
as numerous as the tears
you shed in the secrets
of the night

and so you need to know
just when you have to let go
because the winds come
to blow the sands away
eventually

-=-=-

one of these days, i'll name my children Tequila, Vodka, Martini, Margarita, Kahlua, Bailey... ano pa?

"Mommy, bakit Tequila ang pangalan ko?"

"Kasi anak, laging mainit ang loob ko nung buntis ako sa 'yo." (Ulol.)

"Eh Mommy, bakit Vodka ang pangalan ko?"

"Kasi anak, malakas ang sipa mo sa tiyan ko noon." (Ulol ulit.)

Right...

long weekend

2006-02-27T16:51:00.000+08:00

Let's have a quick recap of my weekend. Quick as in three sentences each. Har, challenge ito!

FRIDAY. Seeing the activity on TV makes me decide to stay home, especially since there's nothing to do at work. I watch the news all day and see people troop to Ayala. I also sleep some, since I'm quickly becoming apathetic to whatever PGMA does.

SATURDAY. I meet up with Paula and Victor to have lunch in Old Spaghetti House, visit the Jobfair in Megatrade Hall, watch Memoirs of a Geisha, visit Powerbooks and National Bookstore (of course!), and have dinner in McDo Katips. I get home and watch the PBB Eviction Night. (O diba, two sentences lang yun!)

SUNDAY. I hear Mass in the morning, then sleep after lunch. I drive to Makati (with my dad, of course) to pick up my cousin in Greenbelt. After having dinner with her at home and making chika about my oh-so-wonderful career, we bring her back to Makati and I watch PBB Nomination Night and Shall We Dance Championship Night upon getting home.

What a brilliant weekend. The biggest sign that I no longer care about what happens to PGMA and all this State of Emergency shit is that I change the channel whenever I see PGMA's face or hear her voice. Everything revolves around politics, and I'm just so sick of it. Rarr.

a weird conversation

2006-02-27T16:35:00.000+08:00

I went to JRS Express a few doors away from the office to have my Philstar entry delivered. Initially, they didn't want to take my package because it didn't have a direct addressee, but I convinced the girl that the guard probably knew what to do with it, if that's the mailing instructions that Philstar gave.

So while I was filling out the form, the lady picks up the envelope and says, "Ano bang laman nito?"

I reply, "Ay, biodata ko po tsaka dalawang articles."

She says, "Ah... ano bang inaapplyan mo dun? Model?"

I'm so shocked, I go, "Ngyek!!! Hindi po! Writer po!"

And she laughs, "Bakit ka nag-Ngyek? Bagay naman a."

...

And I died. Perhaps it's because I decided to be semi-kikay today. But oh well. It was flattering while the moment lasted.

inspired right before sleeping

2006-02-27T11:34:00.000+08:00

Sitting by
a telephone
as dead as
your love
is futile.
But after
months of
waiting
the silence
still
takes
getting used to.

when the schizo crosses to the dark side

2006-02-27T11:28:00.000+08:00

If I were to die tomorrow, would anyone:
1. cry upon hearing the news of my death
2. come to my funeral
3. give a eulogy in my funeral
4. cry while giving the eulogy
5. remember my death anniversary
6. remember me fondly

Apparently this is a favorite morbid thought.

-=-=-=-

When should you get a clue:
1. If someone doesn't text you to ask how you are in a span of a week, get a clue: he doesn't care how you're doing.
2. If someone keeps making excuses about why they can't meet up with you, get a clue: they don't want to be around you.
3. If people suddenly talk to you because they need something from you, but when they don't need anything you hardly exist, get a clue: you're only as good as what you can give. GAMITAN ITO.
4. If you find yourself at work for eight hours a day and all you're doing is update Livejournal and chat with your friends, get a clue: it's time to resign.
5. If your inbox is filled with so many job alerts and you find yourself wishing, "I wish I had that job", get a clue: there are bigger and better fish in the sea. GO FOR IT.

-=-=-=-

Painful lessons you learn:
1. Always take things with a grain of salt. Not everything people say is true. Sometimes they say what they don't mean, and don't mean what they say. So... don't believe everything so quickly.
2. Faith is a very difficult thing to have.
3. Sometimes the dream you were chasing changes shape so often, that it no longer looks like the original dream you had. So do you insist on the old dream, or work with the new (and hopefully improved) dream, even if it's not the one you started out with?
4. People rarely give what you want or what you need. And your pride always stops you from expressing what you want and what you need because... hello, you have to preserve some dignity for yourself.
5. When it's time to move on, you have to move on. When it's time to let go, you have to let go. No matter how painful it may be.
6. The inability to keep a relationship no matter what you do can make you doomed to be a strong, sexy, self-assured, smart SPINSTER.

-=-=-=-

So yuh. I'm not in a very happy mood.

inspired out of nowhere

2006-02-23T11:18:00.000+08:00

as i waited
for the elevator
that would take
me to the ground floor
i suddenly thought
of how i missed
your kiss
an image of you
and me in the darkness
content
to be in the shadows
i could
taste you
as i stepped into
the elevator
and i slowly
began to fall
all over again

randomness

2006-02-22T17:58:00.000+08:00

For the first time today, I'm able to blog. Juno and I have spent the whole day preparing the results of our Market Study, which is in reality a Product Test. Long story. Anyway, I ended up with a 58-slide presentation that I had to chop up into 11 separate Powerpoint presentations just so it could be email-friendly. Rarr. I died.

But that's done. And our bosses are reading the fruits of our labor. And we have a meeting tomorrow at 5pm. Gawd. Sana lang may puntahan yung meeting. If they don't listen to the feedback of our market, will they listen to me as a lowly employee? That said, I'm outta here if nothing happens to this.

Which is a shame because I want to improve on the magazine. But I don't have the means nor the power to do so. Let's pitch this to the Gokongweis na!!!

-=-=-=-

American Idol will also be airing on Friday. I checked the website and saw that in the States, the girls will be singing on Tuesday, then the boys on Wednesday, then the results show for both is on Thursday. So since we're a day ahead and Star World gets satellite feed, it'll be aired here from Wednesday to Friday. Whoopee! :D

-=-=-=-

But wait! I want to watch Memoirs of a Geisha on Friday! So... if I get to watch with my friends, I'll have to get the 2:30am telecast of American Idol! But if I don't get to watch Memoirs on Friday, I can watch AI5 earlier. But I want to watch Memoirs! And I want to watch AI5! Dilemma!!!

[Haha, drama!]

-=-=-=-

To Paula: We have a dilemma. I tried reading your Philstar thingy, then I read mine right after, and I realized that we have almost the same topic!!! :O Lucky for you, Juno was captured more by yours. I also liked yours better because it was lighter to read, and I liked how you make hirit at yourself. :) My realization is I really do write seriously, as in my writing style tends to be on the serious side. I knew I wasn't meant for lifestyle. Grr. Juno thinks my writing style is close to Patricia Evangelista, and it's no wonder that she's now in the Inquirer's Opinion section instead of Star's Lifestyle section!

So... I'm at a loss about this Philstar thingy. I don't think I can tweak my existing article because if I try to make it lighter, we'll end up with eerily similar articles. I could also write another one para lang may pagpilian pa, but I'm worried about the timeframe. Although I could also just pass this as is, but I'm a little disconcerted about being in direct competition with you. :( What do you think?

Juno suggests I write about love, since I seem to have a lot to say about it anyway (given everything that's been happening). I'm still thinking about it. But do you think it has potential?

-=-=-=-

It's 6pm and my work is done. I'm annoyed at the fact that everybody from the 12th floor office suddenly seems to be showing up here to use the fax machine, and they even have their business calls diverted here! So, yet again, Juno and I are stuck answering calls that are not for us. Leche.

-=-=-=-

We have a meeting tomorrow to discuss the results of the fieldwork and I am SO not looking forward to it. Punyeta.

work schmerk

2006-02-14T12:47:00.000+08:00

The mock issue arrived yesterday.

Contrary to what I expected, I was not happy. I had hoped that seeing it would renew my excitement, but it didn't. The first thought that came to my mind was, "It's about time." And I meant that in a bad way.

I brought a copy home and had my parents read it. Biased people that they are, they only read my stuff. And they said, "O, okay naman a!"

I'm still filled with negative thoughts about this whole venture. But at the same time, I feel that if this flies and I'm not part of it, I will feel like shit. As in.

So... I'm kinda trying [trying is the operative word] to expel the negative thoughts because in reality, there's really not much I can do but hang on. *sigh*

For how long can I hang on? And what can I do in the meantime?

I have no idea. I'm trying to improve my portfolio. But really, I'm filled with cynicism already. I'm jaded. And I don't know how to get rid of it so that I can remember why I'm here in the first place: the love for the magazine and what it wants to be.

*sigh* I seem to be doing a lot of sighing lately...

What do you do when the ideal doesn't seem to match reality? I'm feeling signs of Plato now, where there really are two worlds, and the Sensible World can really never be the World of Ideals.

Oh no...

ANYWAY. That's what I feel about all this. That I'm being exploited on the way to me getting what I want: which is for the magazine to prosper.

I don't know. I really don't know what to do anymore, but I just have to keep on moving. Even if I want the world to stop turning even for just one minute, just so I can catch my breath.

PBB Political Edition

2006-02-13T15:52:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine and I are currently talking about my recent post. Here are her thoughts on the matter (mine are in italics):

I wonder, would Imelda Marcos and Cory Aquino fight like chickens? Will GMA and FG Mike Arroyo get it on? Will Fidel Ramos choke everyone inside the Big Brother house with his tobacco smoke? Will Erap try to make everyone laugh with his carabao English? Will Miriam Defensor-Santiago quote the Constitution everytime? Will Susan Roces scream bloody murder whenever she sees PGMA?

-----

TONI: mga housemates, hindi pa ba kayo nagpapatayan dyan sa loob?

FVR: actually i'm talking to some military people. there is a coup d'etat happening already.

TONI: paano niyo po alam, eh nasa loob kayo ng bahay ni kuya?

FVR: i know because of my... MAGIC TOBACCO!!! i can see everything happening outside!!! *buga*

-----

ERAP: ako pa rin ang presidente!!! ako!!! AKO!!! AKOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Susan: you have stolen the presidency not once, but TWICE!!!

Erap: oo nga! ako pa rin ang presidente! AKOOOOO!!!

Miriam: mga luku-luko!

IMELDA: it's not fair, dapat hindi niyo kinuha ang mga yaman ko. it's not ill-gotten wealth. it's ours! OURS!!! OURS!!!!!

MIRIAM: according to the constitution...

[voice over ni carlo aquino] akala niyo lang meron, pero wala, wala, WALAAAA!!!

BAYANI: gagawa tayo ng demarcation line sa gitna ng bahay na to. ang tumapak dito, may traffic violation. maliwanag?

LOREN: hindi lang ang presidency ang ninakaw nila, pati vice-presidency! dapat ako ang vice-president! ako! AKO!!! AKOOOO!!!

NOLI: excuse me, loren, but i won fair and square. ako ang binoto ng masa, hindi ikaw.

-----

[to be updated. this is real time folks! ang teleserye ng totoong buhay!!!]

randomness

2006-02-10T13:57:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to Spoliarium by Imago right now. I don't understand the song. Is it really meant to not make sense? Is it an account from the POV of a drunkard? After all, it does say, "Ewan ko at ewan natin sinong may pakana. At bakit ba tumilapon ang Spoliarium dyan sa paligid mo?" I mean, isn't the Spoliarium that work of art by Juan Luna? The big-ass painting? Tama ba? So what does it have to do with the song? At bakit umiikot ang mundo? Kasi lasing? So many questions, but the answers are so few. All I really know is... huwag na natin ituloy yun. Let's not go there.

-----

So I read in Inquirer's online thingy that Kelly Clarkson asked people not to sing her songs in American Idol auditions. It makes me wonder if being associated with American Idol is really that bad for her. I mean, okay, listening to A Moment Like This versus Since You've Been Gone, I like the latter better. I think it's good for her to have made that kind of music, maybe because being a product of AI kinda made people expect that she would always be a belter, as in that wonderful note she pulled off in Natural Woman.

It's kinda like Sarah Geronimo never quite getting out of the To Love You More formula of songs that always has to have that high note in the end. I think sometimes that people are akin to clapping their hands at a trained monkey while saying, "Birit pa, birit pa!!!" and if the monkey does other interesting thing like one-handed cartwheels, they wouldn't care because it's just the birit they're looking for and nothing else.

Although, can you imagine Sarah Geronimo becoming a rock chick? *insert thought bubble here*

At far left is Sarah trying to be a rock chick. And at left is the real deal. Sarah going rock will make her Avril. Meaning, it's a waste of good talent. Can you imagine Sarah singing, "Why'd you have to make things so complicated?" and skateboarding through a mall? Yuh.

-----

I was watching PBB last night, and Christian Vasquez was interesting to watch. He's such a daddy pala. Listening to the prayers of his kids then seeing him cry because he couldn't be with them made me all teary-eyed. Almost, but not quite.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if they picked Rosanna Roces instead of Keanna Reeves.

Hmm...

-----

Speaking of PBB, it's been a running joke on DZMM's Tambalang Failon at Sanchez to make a PBB: Political Edition. Imagine, housemates would be Pres. Arroyo, FG Mike Arroyo (since they're together in the house, would they be allowed to get it on? *shudder*), Ping Lacson, Fidel Ramos, Erap, Cory Aquino, Susan Roces, Bayani Fernando, Miriam Defensor-Santiago... hmm, three more to go, since there are 12 housemates. Let me think. Um... maybe we could put Loren Legarda in there, so they'd have some colegiala person. Then we could also put Kabayan Noli de Castro in there. So that's two down, one to go. Hmm... dapat surprise personality. Dapat pampagulo. ...AAAAHH!!! Si Imelda Marcos!!! Panalo!!!

[EDIT: Dahil 14 pala ang housemates, dinagdag ko sina Bong Revilla at Manny Pacquiao.]

*insert PBB theme here*

-----

Incidentally, the new PBB theme was sung by Toni Gonzaga and Sam Milby. I don't like the way she says "Sikat ang Pinoy". Wala lang.

-----

But she's hot. Rowr.

-----

That's enough for now. Next project: make pictures to go with this post. Hahahaha!!!

on the verge of giving up

2006-02-08T18:22:00.000+08:00

Today is a very bad day. I'm seriously thinking of giving up.

Let's see. I resumed with this company last November. In that month, we were pressured into contacting our featured personalities to ask them about their personal advocacies. Then we had to tweak the articles to make it more suitable for a youth advocacy magazine.

November and December, we were pressured into coming out with the media kit. Then we were rushed into editing the articles so that it could be ready for the mock issue.

January, they fired Paolo, thinking that they could just yank back their former artist. But no. So we were without an artist for two weeks. Production stopped for two weeks. When the senior graphic artist took the job, he was without sleep for two weeks. They delayed giving the mock issue to the printers.

Ideally, the mock issue was supposed to be printed whole of January and with us by Jan28, so that the marketing staff could use the whole of February to get advertisers.

It's already February, and the mock issue is supposed to be with us this Friday. They're asking us to do a market study using the said mock issue. The mock issue will still be used to get more advertisers.

So for us to come out in March, the magazine should be out to printer by February 24, which is two weeks from now. So, by Feb24, they should close a deal with the advertisers, have the advertising materials, relayout and repage the magazine, review it and finalize it for printing.

Sounds impossible? I think so too.

So... when April rolls around, I will have been at this job for six months, with just one issue to show for it, assuming that the issue will be printed by then.

As a result, I truly feel like I've been wasting my time here.

I love the magazine. I love what it wants to be. I love the writers, who have been patient with us. I love the people we've interviewed, because they've been so accomodating and none of them have bitched with us na "O, nasaan na yung magazine?!"

I enjoy working with Juno. I've come to love working in Makati because it allows me to drive that distance everyday. I've gotten used to the frenetic pace, and I enjoy the freedom that comes with walking along Ayala to eat lunch, and walking all the way to Greenbelt after work.

BUT it's starting to feel these things aren't enough. I feel like I could be doing better, I could be better compensated for. Until now, I still don't have a contract, and my salary hasn't been deducted for taxes and SSS and Philhealth. Things like cellphone allowance and travel allowance are unheard of here. Nothing is reimbursed. I've heard nasty things about the siblings of the publisher, about how the tuition fees of their children are taken from the companies' earnings. Normally, we shouldn't care about things like that. But when they refuse to hire marketing people to conduct the market study, or a layout artist to work with us, or pay our taxes and remit our SSS because makukulangan ang pang-tuition ng mga pamangkin, it makes me feel that it's all unfair. That my work is not properly justified.

I'm so tired from all this urong-sulong, from all these deadlines that no one even respects, from all this uncertainty of when the magazine is really coming out, if it ever will. While my direct boss also has a lot invested in this, she still has a high-paying job that will provide for her family even if she stops working for this magazine. Juno and I have no such luxury. We're tied here, fulltime, wasting our time when they don't give us anything to do.

And to think, if this magazine doesn't get printed, the writers' works will have been for naught. And who will they remember from all this? ME. Because I'm the one that contacted them, stressed them out with deadlines and all that. I'm the one in the frontline. In short, it's my name and my reputation that's on the line, not the publisher's, by virtue of being the person that they all contact. And in this kind of industry, you only have your name. What does this whole experience say about me as I am affiliated with this company? Will being affiliated with this company and with these people be a bad thing in the long run?

I feel like I'm wasting my time and my intellect. I'm not challenged. All I am is tired. I don't want to do this anymore. If I had the money and resources, I would take this magazine and make it my own. Of course, that's much harder than it sounds. But I'm starting to think that if I leave this job, I might consider just really writing freelance with a magazine, or at least transfer to a magazine job that's more stable. The latter is harder to come by though.

I'm also considering trying Accounts in an ad agency, since my skills seem to be apt for that job. If not, maybe I'll go corporate and look for some management positions. But really, I seem to want to be anywhere but here. Not even my love for the magazine is saving me this time.

the aftermath of a stampede

2006-02-06T12:19:00.000+08:00

WARNING: VERY LONG ENTRY

I woke up on Saturday morning to Victor's text message, "Stampede daw sa Ultra, 60 people dead?" So I dragged myself out of bed and turned on the television. As my groggy self slowly woke up, I watched as a dead woman lying on a stretcher was carried up into an army truck, and her body was lain on the army truck's floor. They were carrying her really slowly, so her dead body took up maybe ten seconds of airtime.

Callously, the first thought in my head was, "Oh boy, this is gonna be crisis PR for ABS-CBN's management."

For some reason, I've grown indifferent to the pain of these people. I mean, yes, I understand that these people are really poor, so poor that they would pin all their hopes on a game show. But honestly, I really don't like the way this society works anyway. I feel like the more that there are game shows on TV, the more people are encouraged to just look for easy money instead of working hard for it. Plus, they pin their hopes on it so much that many of the people there didn't have money to go home. One perspective would be that they assumed they would win, but another perspective is that that was all they really had. Imagine, your life's savings all used up just to get a ticket to Manila to go to a game show where there isn't any certainty that you will win anyway?! These people should have just taken that life savings and put up a business to make a clean and honest living, no matter how hard it is to make ends meet. Why trade something safe and secure for a game of chance? Yes, it may be a million pesos, or a house and lot, or a kitchen showcase, but those prizes don't have your name written on them. There's no assurance that you will win. While your life savings is surely your hard-earned money, the tangible product of your blood sweat and tears no matter how small the amount may be.

But that's a structural sin. That's the way society's psyche is as of now. All I'm saying is I don't like it, but I can't exactly change it. What's more appalling is the very concept of a stampede. Imagine, these women and old ladies were at the front of the line, and the gates give way. Because of selfishness and greed, how could people stomach trampling on these bodies, using them as stairs just to get into the ULTRA? What does that say about human decency? That's what I really can't imagine, how people would refuse to help these ladies who had fallen down on the ground, those old ladies who could very well be their own grandmothers... I mean, diba, kung lola mo yun, tutulungan mong makatayo? Kaya mo bang i-imagine na aapakan mo yung lola mo para lang makapasok sa Wowowee kasi baka manalo ka ng isang milyon? That's the thing. I can't imagine how people could do that.

And now you have ABS-CBN shouldering all the finances. You have Willie Revillame carrying this trauma. Even if I'm not a fan --I'm not even fond of him-- I really pity the guy because I could just imagine, as he entered the funeral parlors, being met with statements like, "Willie, mahal na mahal ka ng nanay ko." and "Willie, idol ka ng anak ko." And that mother, that daughter, just gave their lives because they love Willie Revillame and wanted a chance to see him in person. I pity him because he seems sincere and genuine in the way he treats his audience. He talked about making sure the stage would be accessible to the old ladies who would get up on stage with him and dance, the same old ladies who were trampled to death. If I were him, I can't even begin to imagine going up on stage to do Wowowee again, no matter how many months from now that would be.

And you have investigative bodies formed to find out what caused it. It's a no-brainer: what caused it was people's selfishness and greed and self-centeredness in wanting to get into the ULTRA for a chance to win a million bucks. Everyone will have something to say: the Senate and Congress are likely to have their opinions, perhaps they'll suggest that the ULTRA be restructured because that damned slope is hazardous to people. They might even pass a bill that says no big events should be held at the ULTRA. When the mourning time has passed, GMA7 might return to making snide comments about how ABS-CBN can't take care of their kapamilyas. It will be all over the news for the next two weeks, and we'll have to endure all the teary-eyed ABS-CBN stars swearing that no one wanted this to happen.

After being over-saturated by Pacquiao's victory and how he was treated like a hero, we now have to endure being over-saturated by images of dead bodies lined up on the street, of relatives crying over dead bodies in funeral parlors, all to the tune of weepy music and ABS-CBN's prayers.

A tragic event has been turned into a circus --a sad, somber circus, but a circus nonetheless-- yet again.

a thought

2006-02-02T18:48:00.000+08:00

I seem to have all the answers for other people's questions, but none of the answers to my own.

"If a person gives advice about his neighbor's garden, it is likely that he is neglecting his own plants."

--[paraphrased from] Warrior of the Light, Paulo Coelho

stream of consciousness

2006-02-02T17:57:00.000+08:00

I've been in a funk lately. There are so many things to think about, in all aspects of life. And for some strange reason, I've been in a perpetual bad mood for a week now. It's a bad mood mixed with a feeling of lethargy and frustration and general dislike for things. Some days, I feel like being a total bitch. I feel like picking a fight. And when I do, when I succeed in doing that, I don't even know why I did it and I regret it because of course I hurt the person I picked a fight with. On other days, I feel like being alone, and yet detest the fact that I am alone. It's like wanting to be shut up alone in my room --which is a totally conscious decision-- then going on some self-pity mode because I'm all alone in my room. It's very weird and frustrating because I like to be in control of myself and of my emotions. I like understanding why I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling. I like having reasons behind everything. But lately, the emotions are all there for no apparent reason. And no matter how hard I try to figure things out, I can't. I have to chalk it up to "That's the way I feel, and I can't even begin to explain it." But how do you explain the fact that you just feel the need to be a bitch today? That you just feel mad at the world and you feel like lashing out at anything and everything, including everyone around you? As a being-in-the-world-with-others, I can't exactly lash out and just expect everyone around me to understand. For them to understand, I have to explain. There lies the problem: I can't explain it. So... yuh. I don't know. I'm really in a funk lately. I hope it goes away. I really do. I still try to be thankful every night, I try to look for rays of sunshine, I do laugh sometimes during the day, I have my head on straight when I drive, and yet I wake up feeling like I don't want to do anything, and I hit the sack with a general feeling of... something that I can't name and explain. I don't know. I hate this. I really do. And yes, this is really stream of consciousness. After I click "Post Entry" or whatever it says at the bottom of the browser, I will read over all this and marvel at whatever has been written down.

Good morning to me too.

2006-02-02T11:37:00.000+08:00

SETTING: Ortigas, about to turn left into EDSA.

TIME: 10:30am

SCENARIO: green light, no other cars in front of me. Increase speed. Then all of a sudden, the light is red. Hit the brakes. Nose of car is exposed already, and buses are speedily passing by. Car is in danger.

So I put the car in reverse and start backing up.

[enter MMDA, knocks on window]

ME: Shit shit shit shit shit [rolls down window]

MMDA: Ma'am, okay na po sa amin yung ginawa niyo, pero yung umatras po kayo at nakaharang sa pedestrian lane, hindi po okay yun. Kasi tayo, lagi naman nating dinadaanan ito, ang tao minsan lang tumawid. Patingin po ng lisensya.

ME: [thinks] Tangina tangina tangina tangina tangina tangina [gives license]

MMDA: Saan po sila papunta, Ma'am?

ME: Sa opisina po sa Makati, Herrera Tower. Late na nga po ako e. Sorry po, nagmamadali lang po talaga.

MMDA: [starts some speech, me tuning him out]

ME: Kuya, sorry po talaga. Pwede po bang bayaran ko na lang?

MMDA: Ma'am, basta po hindi kami ang humihingi. Bukas po sa kalooban niyo ang magbigay. Kung bukas po sa kalooban niyo, okay lang po sa amin.

ME: [looks in wallet and sees P20, P50, P500, P1000]

[thinks] Tangina tangina tangina tangina tangina tangina

[looks to driver] May pera ka ba diyan?

DRIVER: Isang daan lang, Ma'am.

ME: [to driver] Bayaran na lang kita mamaya. [gets money]

ME: [to MMDA] Kuya, isang daan lang po pera ko e. Kakasweldo lang, so buo pa ang pera ko.

MMDA: [impatiently] O sige o sige, okay na yan, iipit mo na dito. [gives clipboard with tickets] Bilisan mo na. Basta bukas sa kalooban mo magbigay. Okay na.

ME: [slips money into clipboard, runs away]

*the end*

So yuh. Tangina talaga. Good morning to me too!

randomness

2006-01-31T12:24:00.000+08:00

This keeps playing in my head right now:

At ngayon
di pa rin alam
kung ba't tayo nandito
puwede bang itigil muna
ang pag-ikot ng mundo

--Spoliarium, The Eraserheads

Ditto.

-=-=-=-=-

My Friendster horoscope today says:

The Bottom Line Good karma is coming your way -- but first, your selflessness will be tested today.
In Detail Every now and then, it's important to purge -- to rebirth and start over. Since the Moon is new as of this morning, this is the perfect time to do it. Your ultimate goal may be to cleanse your mind, your body, your spirit or your heart, but it's always good to begin with your surroundings. Go through your home a room at a time -- every corner. The more thoroughly you scour, the cleaner and clearer your thoughts will become, too. Get rid of the old and make room for the new.

The old what? Make room for the new what? Can we get rid of everything and start on a clean slate?

And isn't that everyone's dream? The tabula rasa.

-=-=-=-=-

This Dalai Lama chain letter thingy was sent to me and, bored person that I am, I decided to answer it.

Lo and behold, my priorities are as follows: family - pride - career - money - love.

And so friends, when it comes down to For Love or Money, it looks like the Dalai Lama says I'm picking the money.

*blink*

-=-=-=-=-

When do you draw the line between:
1. doing something outside of your job description and chalking it up to multi-tasking, and
2. doing something outside your job description and seeing it as exploitation

If any of you have the answers, please tell me within the day.

Rarr.

blah weekend

2006-01-30T10:59:00.000+08:00

So this past weekend, I did pretty much nothing.

I woke up late on Saturday morning, so we went to the dentist after lunch. Then we dropped by my cousin's house on an errand. Upon getting home, my mom had me tinker around with Photoshop so I could send some pictures to my cousin. That took the whole afternoon.

After dinner, I got back to reading The Devil and Miss Prym. But because my mom was playing Zuma and listening to the radio, I couldn't concentrate and fell asleep. I woke up, she was gone, and it was 11pm. So I got up, did my nightly rituals, then resumed reading Coelho till midnight. I finished the novel.

The following day, we heard Mass at noon. Then I used Starbucks' Chinese New Year coupon to buy me and my sister a drink. When we got home, I decided to watch Mr. Holland's Opus on VCD after lunch. So that took the whole afternoon too. After watching 2 out of 3 VCDs, it was time to pause my viewing in order to give way to The Buzz. And then I had to give way to my dad's basketball game because my brother was being an asshole and wouldn't give up his TV viewing rights even if his butt is practically molded into the family room's couch. So that pissed me off. My dad was watching TV in their room so I couldn't continue watching my movie. My mom was playing Zuma (again) using my laptop in my room, so I couldn't read or sleep in my own room. There was nowhere left to go except downstairs to the den. So I took Gabriel Garcia Marquez' Chronicle of a Death Foretold with me and locked myself up in the den. I finished the novel in an hour.

After dinner, my dad tells me I can have the TV. I'm still pissed, but I decide to take him up on his offer anyway and I finish the movie. But because I'm already so bummed by everything, I decide to go to sleep early.

Thus ends an uneventful weekend.

try this! hehe.

2006-01-27T18:33:00.000+08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Ingrid!

The eye of an ostrich is bigger than ingrid.
Research indicates that ingrid will be attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
During the reign of Peter the Great, any Russian nobleman who chose to wear ingrid had to pay a special ingrid tax.
The Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter is made entirely of ingrid.
A sixteenth century mathematician lost his nose in a duel over his love for ingrid, and wore a silver replacement for the rest of his life!
Ingrid is incapable of sleep.
Ingrid can eat up to four kilograms of insects in a single night.
Over 2000 people have now climbed ingrid, with roughly ten percent dying on the way down.
The Eskimos have over fifty words for ingrid.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching ingrid.

Another Driving Milestone

2006-01-25T13:59:00.000+08:00

Last night, I decided to drive down EDSA. In rush hour traffic. And I was okay.

And then...

... it started to rain.

And so, I conquered rush hour traffic in EDSA while raining.

Then, it was traffic in Marcos Highway because the flyover going to Marikina was closed, so everyone going to Marikina was headed down to Riverbanks. Four lanes merging into two. Guh-reat. But I conquered that too!

When I got home though, I didn't park the car. And my dad saw me because he was in the garage, and he laughed his head off. "Hahahahaha, ayaw mo na i-park noh?! Natakot ka na noh?! Patingin nga kung ano nangyari." (looks at the right side mirror) "O, okay lang naman pala e! Ayos lang yan!"

*blink*

So there. Just wanted to say that I drove last night, and got home at around 930pm. Yeah.

a driving milestone

2006-01-24T14:02:00.000+08:00

Last night, I drove home for the very first time. I took C5 (via Fort) and everything was all clear. No muntik na moments, no bloody pedestrians screaming for justice, nothing. Everything was all clear.

Until I got home...

... and had my right side mirror hit the garage gate.

...

...

...

PUTANG INA!!!

Okay, so hindi naman nabasag yung glass or anything. But it's pretty scraped. And I died.

Thankfully, my parents didn't go ballistic on me. See:

PAPA: Tingnan na lang natin kung makukuha sa rubdown.

MAMA: Okay lang yan. Ako nga noon, muntik ko na sagasaan yung paa ng driver e.

So yeah. I'm a lucky bitch.

I'm wondering if I should drive home tonight. I'm starting to get tamad, and I'm super fighting it lang. Hmm.

Oh, and upon learning that I took the C5 route, my mom goes, "Alam mo, mas madali pa rin ang EDSA e. Try mo kaya?"

HMM. Maybe I should. :O

first thing that greeted me today

2006-01-24T10:56:00.000+08:00

So I opened my LJ and saw this meme and decided to take it. Lo and behold, it made me go, "Oh, c'mon!!!"

Check it out:

Your Life Path Number is 4

Your purpose in life is to build your vision.

You are practical and responsible. You work hard, knowing that there are no shortcuts in life.
You work for a better life for yourself and those you love, but you are not an idealist.
Trustworthy and honest, you also demonstrate great courage. People can count on you.

In love, you are a loyal and committed partner. You are the ideal spouse.

You don't give up easily, and sometimes you can be too stubborn and unwilling to change.
You also can be too conservative at times. You sometime miss out on good opportunities.
Also remember that not everyone can work as hard as you, as disappointing as that is!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

So... yeah. Tailor-made? Is this thing really true? Hahaha. Anyhoo, I'm still not making sense. Pinakapanalo, ito: "You are the ideal spouse." Should I therefore conclude that since men my age are commitment-phobes, I am doomed to not have a relationship until men are at the marrying age? Guhreat.

another week begins

2006-01-23T16:27:00.000+08:00

I couldn't write anything on my pretty planner last night.

That's because there's absolutely nothing to do.

This is one day I wish we had a beanbag and a banig in the office. It's naptime right about now.

Rarr. So bored. It doesn't help that we don't have the office all to ourselves, so I feel a need to behave. Boo.

I am so absolutely sleepy, I'm thinking of not driving home tonight. I'm wondering if I should start my Mission: Drive Home next week instead, so that it'll be the start of a new month. Make it a monthly thing: every month I must add a new driving skill. Or something like that. Yeah. Anyhoo, I'm SOOO sleepy. As in. *yawn*

And there's nothing to do. I don't want to do anything. I'm too bored and sleepy to even tinker around with Photoshop. And since my mind is so dead, I don't think I can get started on continuing my entry for that contest.

So... Monday January 23 in my pretty planner remains blank. And I can't even think of anything to write down for tomorrow either.

So is that a sign that tomorrow will be just as boring as today? Maybe I should start bringing a pillow to work. *yawn*

WTF?!

2006-01-20T18:01:00.000+08:00

Some pretty weird shit. Warning: parental guidance is advised.

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Boring Day number 4

2006-01-19T13:21:00.000+08:00

Yes, it's the fourth straight boring day.

Rarr.

The layout artist has his hands full trying to finish the layout by 530pm later. Juno is trying to add 200+ words to the Moving Up article. And I'm... listening to Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit while blogging.

Uh... yeah.

Kanina I was playing with Photoshop.

There's no mail from Ma'am Tet.

My sugar rush from the white choco doughnut is gone.

I'm bored.

Very bored.

And in demand. Coz Juno and I are having dinner after the meeting (coz I have this feeling we'll be hungry after). Then tomorrow I'm going out with the block. Then on Saturday I'm watching Once on this Island.

And yesterday, I drove to Eastwood with Paula and Victor. Picture the scene: my flying down C5 in Victor's Pajero. Wahahaha! AND I parked in reverse!!! *applause* We ate in WKF (aka Walang Kamatayang Fazolis) then shopped in A Different Bookstore (where I got myself a copy of David Sedaris' Dress Your Family in Courduroy and Denim, and I have no idea what it's about), then went to the bazaar (where I got myself a white bag which turns out to be ecru with a metallic sheen), then we had caramel iced blended in Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (yum yum!) then went home.

And I watched American Idol when I got home. And stayed up till 2am.

Then because of some massive traffic jam in EDSA, I revisited C5. This time, I decided to hit Ortigas, cross Julia Vargas, and end up in Ugong (as in going to St. Paul's) to get back to Libis. A rather circuitous route, but much less stressful. :)

So... yeah. I'm still bored.

yet another boring day

2006-01-18T12:22:00.000+08:00

How can it be that this is yet another boring day?

It's Wednesday, for crying out loud! It's supposed to be a stressful midweek thingy (I think the "thingy" is called a day for normal people). We're supposed to be in a rush rush rush!!!

But no.

Instead, I've finished helping a friend change her LJ layout, and now I'm stuck listening to Amang Hari (syempre kung may Inang Reyna, may Amang Hari!) talk to himself on the phone.

Maybe I should try that sometime when I'm bored. I'll go the phone outside and talk to myself. Uy, challenging siguro yun ha! You have to be creative on the spot and say stuff that eavesdroppers will be willing to listen to. Hahaha, labo!

Anyhoo, I feel like sleeping. As always. But now. I'm being challenged to find ways to look busy, and I guess typing away in this blog suffices.

E after this entry, ano na?!

Rarr.

on boredom

2006-01-17T18:04:00.000+08:00

Today is an unbelievably boring day. Just like yesterday. Such a sleepy, sleepy day.

I woke up tired. I think maybe I had one of those weird dreams again, the really long, complicated ones that you can barely remember when you wake up. I was thinking of not driving today so that I could sleep in the car, but no. I decided not to let somnolence stop me from driving.

And now... there's no water in the office so I can't get coffee or even water. Boo. And I'm too tamad to grab a bite outside. I'm too tamad to do anything. Rarr. I'm too tamad to even sleep, if that doesn't sound so weird.

I'm itching to do something. And it's funny how there's actually a lot to do since it's crunchtime. But I don't want to do those things, i.e. get back to the people we interviewed and shot way back in August (!) just so we can say *insert deep breath here*

"Uy, tuloy pa yung magazine! I know we said September, then January, well now it's coming out in March! And we need an updated photo of you. You know, like when you apply for a job your ID pic has to be taken within the last six months? Yeah, kinda like that! Can we have it, like, tomorrow?! THANKS!!!"

*exhale*

Uh... yeah. See why I'm not so crazy about doing the thing I really have to do? Or do I have to really do it? Who says I "have" to? Well, my boss does. Harhar. But my life will not depend on it naman e. Maybe my job will, but... yeah. Seeing as to how they're having such a hard time getting a layout artist, I'm thinking maybe a Managing Editor who's willing to slave away for them (like I am, martyr that I am) is perhaps even harder to find. Harhar, feeling important! :p

So... yeah.

on firsts

2006-01-09T18:48:00.000+08:00

This is my first entry.

It's the first time I'm trying blogspot.

It's the first time I'm making a blog without knowing what to put in it.

Hmm... should I make this my writing blog? But I already have Xanga for that. Should I make this the blog where I put my random musings and daily updates? I have Livejournal. Should I make it an online portfolio? I have Geocities.

Rarr. What to do with this blog?

How complicated it must be, to hold so many blogs at once.

But maybe, it doesn't really have to be complicated. This is a blog, pure and simple.

Hence, life becomes simply complicated. Harhar!